Added: Bridget Delcid - Date: 28.07.2021 08:26 - Views: 37512 - Clicks: 892
Jump to. Image via Pexels. Fuck traditional marriage.
And women always lose—particularly Black ones. Committed partnership with the right person can be beautiful and sustaining. I know this as a married woman. A few weeks ago, I asked a racially and geographically diverse group of middle class, educated women on social media what messages they had received from family about marriage growing up.
The responses were shocking—one debasing idea following another. Women said they were taught to ask men for very little—to celebrate their smallest accomplishments, overlook their biggest faults, and mind their fragile egos, but not to expect the same. Women were also told to make themselves smaller literally and figuratively to be suitable partners.
No man will love you unless you lose weight.
Your husband will beat you, because you talk too much. The last was told to a something accomplished Black writer when she was 16 years old by her grandmother.
Nor was it the only example of mothers, grandmothers, aunts and other trusted women indoctrinating girls with oppressive, heteronormative, self-limiting and dangerous messages about what committed love looks like. Black women are particularly vulnerable to this emotional terrorism and our communities are aggressively devoted to dispensing it. For decades, leaders inside and outside of the African American community have accepted that deeply flawed, sexist conclusion.
While single women, especially mothers, are positioned as the super villains Black women and marriage Black America—the primary cause of crime, poverty and other ills—we are told that the cure for what ails us rests on the preservation of traditional marriage, where a Black man is the provider, protector and boss, and a Black woman is a pleasing, silent, and submissive partner.
The rub is that Black women outpace Black men in post-secondary education ; we are the fastest growing group of entrepreneurs in the country; and Black moms are more likely to be primary breadwinners. We are often the providers, protectors, and bosses. This, we are told, is why Black women are half as likely to marry as our white counterparts.
Folks go hard with advice about getting sisters fit for the altar, but the counsel we receive—from family, friends and the celebrities-cum-Black relationship experts that seem to pop up like Whack-a-Moles—is not about how to become a whole and healthy woman or how to choose a whole and healthy partner. Instead, the dehumanizing messages insist on our inequality, ignore our well-being and assuage the whims of Black men, assuring them of their manhood and primacy.
Turn down the job promotion and relocation package. Those career advances are for your husband to make. It warns us away from achievements like post-secondary education that could help secure our economic futures. African-American women experience intimate partner violence at rates 35 percent higher than their white counterparts and 2. Old ideas of marriage and heterosexual partnership damage Black men, too.
If they rob women of their right to be powerful, they rob men of the freedom to be vulnerable and convince them that women and children must be weak for them to be strong. And too much Black marriage advice rests on damaging stereotypes of Black machismo. Anyone who tells you this is good for the Black community is wildly misinformed or a liar.
The messages given to women to make them marriageable are proof. A standard that requires us to be stupid, quiet, diminished and not expect too much is no model for a healthy society. And it can only weaken the Black community, which is already challenged by racial oppression. What we need is a new paradigm for committed adult relationships that recognizes the humanity of both partners.
Black women should seek partnerships of equals, who both have agency and voice. That is powerful.
We cannot save our communities with a template that only allows half of us to be free. And all women must refuse to indoctrinate each Black women and marriage with reductive patriarchal notions of what makes a woman a good wife. Instead of teaching girls how to be chosen, we should teach them to choose, based on their own goals and needs.
We should refuse to burden another generation of women with the idea that they must make themselves smaller for the sake of the culture. Tamara Winfrey-Harris writes about race and gender. Get Bitch Media's top 9 re of the week delivered to your inbox every Saturday morning! It is as if the chains of social servitude for women have been hidden in the velvet voiced lies of those who actually believe that women are less than men. Thank you for your words. Search form Search. This story was originally published on July 12, There are just some things a woman has to put up with occasionally to live a good life.
Leave this field blank. First name. Last name. Zip Code. Too many Black women have already starved our needs and desires trying to serve people, organizations, communities and businesses who will not serve us. Thanks to our Sponsors. Sex Toy Collective. Touching the Elephant. Vibrator Vixen.Black women and marriage
email: [email protected] - phone:(203) 435-3054 x 4956
Unfit for the Altar: Black Women Make Their Own Marital Rules